It Was Just a Dance: The Paradox of Connection in Partner Dancing
- Rafael Piccolotto de Lima
- Jun 16
- 5 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
A Phrase That Stayed With Me
Over the years, I occasionally came across an interesting expression in social media discussions and conversations within the forró community:
“It was just a xote.”
In other words: it was just a dance. Don’t read anything more into it.
It’s not a particularly common phrase. In fact, I’ve only heard it a handful of times. Yet it stayed with me because it seemed to capture something interesting about the way many people experience dance.
For readers unfamiliar with forró, xote is one of the main rhythmic styles found within the music and dance traditions of forró. The term refers to a specific rhythm, but within dance communities it can carry additional associations as well.
Although not every xote fits the same mold, it is commonly associated with slower tempos, the possibility of a closer embrace, and a more relaxed atmosphere on the dance floor. Musically, xotes are often explored in ways that emphasize lyricism, emotional expression, and, in some cases, romantic themes.
As a result, many dancers associate xote not only with a particular rhythm, but with a particular kind of experience.
It is often the moment of the closest embrace, the most intimate conversations through movement, and some of the most emotionally expressive songs of the evening. Many bands even joke before playing a xote, suggesting that this is the moment to find someone to dance close to, or perhaps even steal a kiss.
But the phrase never seemed to be truly just about xote itself. Xote simply serves as a symbol.
The same idea could apply to other partner dances, other musical traditions, and other communities. The phrase points toward something broader:
What happened during the dance belonged to the dance.
Don’t automatically turn it into something else.
What Does “It Was Just a Xote” Actually Mean?
The expression usually appears when someone feels the need to explain that a close, connected, or particularly sensual dance should not automatically be interpreted as a sign of romantic interest.
The existence of the expression already points to an interesting reality.
It only becomes necessary because two people can experience the exact same dance and interpret it in completely different ways. One might feel attracted and want to move things toward real romance, while the other simply wants a slower, more connected dance.
Different People, Different Interpretations
Over the years, I also realized that there is no universal agreement within the community about how to interpret this space.
I remember an evening in São Paulo when I spent much of the night dancing with a friend. We danced multiple rhythms throughout the evening without giving it much thought. But when a xote started, she casually mentioned that she didn’t particularly enjoy dancing xote.
At the time, I found the comment interesting but didn’t ask any further questions. Later on, I returned to the subject and asked why.
She explained that she disliked the kinds of dynamics that xote sometimes encourages: especially the possibility that someone might interpret the dance in ways she never intended.
Her answer stood out to me because I had heard many people express exactly the opposite view.
I’ve heard dancers say that xote is their favorite part of the night precisely because they enjoy a closer, more affectionate style of dancing. I’ve also seen discussions online criticizing dancers who spend a xote doing too many turns and figures.
Those conversations are often accompanied by the argument that xote calls for something different: fewer patterns, fewer spins, and more attention to the embrace and the sensations the dance can create. In Brazilian Portuguese, there is even a word frequently associated with this idea: chamego, a form of affection expressed through physical and emotional closeness, tenderness, warmth, and caring attention.
Both perspectives emerge from the exact same characteristic of the dance.
The possibility of greater closeness, affection, and emotional expression attracts some dancers and pushes others away.
Comfortable in Dance, Cautious in Life
The phrase also reminds me of another pattern I have noticed over the years.
After more than two decades in partner dance communities, I have met many people who seem deeply connected while dancing. They are present, attentive, sensitive, and fully engaged in the moment. Many of them are also highly involved in the community.
Yet that same openness does not always appear in their romantic lives.
In some cases, the impression is that they are more comfortable experiencing intimacy within dance than outside of it.
After all, we’re talking about people who appear completely at ease sharing attention, presence, sensitivity, and physical closeness with another person during a song, yet often seem reluctant to pursue those same experiences when they begin pointing toward an actual relationship.
In some ways, that observation feels closely connected to the phrase “it was just a xote.”
The Same Dance, Different Experiences
Perhaps that is why the expression stayed with me all these years.
It captures something I have encountered repeatedly in partner dancing.
The possibility that two people can experience the exact same dance and, when the music ends, discover that they were experiencing completely different things.
Editorial Note
After finishing this article, I sent the draft to the friend I mention in this story. The conversation that followed introduced an interpretation of the phrase that I had never considered before.
Up to that point, I had viewed “it was just a xote” exclusively as a way of protecting the idea that a close, intense, or emotionally meaningful dance does not necessarily have to be interpreted as romantic interest. In other words, it can serve as a legitimate defense of the right to experience intimacy within the dance without creating expectations beyond it.
But there is another side to it as well.
The same phrase can also serve as a refuge for people who would like that dance to be interpreted as something more. Someone who uses a moment of greater closeness to create a romantic atmosphere, flirt, or explore the possibility of a deeper connection may also fall back on the same phrase when that interest is not reciprocated. In that case, “it was just a xote” stops being only a way of defending boundaries and becomes a way of stepping back from an attempt that did not lead where they had hoped.
That makes the expression even more interesting to me. It does not describe a single situation. It can be used by people with very different intentions.
In some cases, it protects the right to experience a connection that belongs entirely to the dance.
In others, it allows someone to reinterpret an attempt at connection once it becomes clear that the boundaries, intentions, or expectations involved in that dance were not the same for both people.
Once again, two people can experience exactly the same xote and walk away having lived something completely different.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Rafael Piccolotto de Lima is the Founder and Educational Director of Forró New York, as well as a Latin Grammy-nominated composer, arranger, and music director.
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